Again

here i go again

Hey You

Come here.
No…closer.
Come stand by me and stare out the window with me.
It’s gray and quiet today.
Soft.
Like you.
That’s better.
I can feel you next to me now.
Touching me.
Feel my hands.
Look out the window with me as we stand above the earth.
Staring out…down on the clouded leaves.
Barefoot against the wood that stood on the earth before us.
It’s beautiful.
Do you feel it?
It’s warm.
We’re surrounded by silence.
Do you hear it?
It’s roaring.
Let’s move with it.

Come.

Build this dream with me.

1:28

In four minutes, and it will have been three months and nine days since I seen you.
In four minutes, I realize I haven’t spoken to you in three weeks.
In four minutes, I remember your last words.
In four minutes, I’m lost for my own words.
In four minutes, I wonder if we would ever find the words to connect again.
In four minutes, I wonder if we could share a laugh again.
In four minutes, I wonder why it’s so late in the night.
In four minutes, you’ve been awake pondering what has become of you.
In four minutes, I wonder if you’re okay.
In four minutes, I’m wishing you peace.
In four minutes, you’re still miles away.
In four minutes, it may be lagging for you.
In four minutes, it just disappears for me.
In four minutes, I’m still asleep forcing myself to wake so I can hear you.
In four minutes, you tell me good bye.

1:32

derived from me

Here I am in this room
And there you are confined in my mind
Like a prisoned con who sits in his cell
No where to go

I can move from one place to another
But I am your vanity host
You are chained to the reinforced hooks
Keeping me concealed for no other reason
Than for your own self-interest

It doesn’t feel like before
I remember living freely
Coming in and out as I pleased
Conscious and unconscious like a whale
That surfaces to remember its breath

You live with me carefully
Not to disturb my slumber
You bleed through me
Sometimes crushing me like
Going against a monstrous ocean wave

I know at some point
You will have nowhere else to turn
Except to me bcause I’m really all you have

So know that when you’re ready…

I am here

My Jelly Bee

I remember the morning she came into my life
She was beautiful
I adored her dark soft hair
And the innocence of her being

Her dark eyes were beautiful on her light skin
And when I looked in her wide open eyes
As she was discovering for the first time
Who I am and where she is
All I wanted to do was be in love with her

What would become of her in this infectious world
What would she be like
How would she learn to keep herself safe
When I’m not there

She’s still so young
But too big to be cradled
She wants to spread her wings
But still holds onto me

She makes me happy
She wants to make me happy
She waits for me
And when I return, her arms are open
And I feel a surge of her love come through me from her tight hugs

When I’m gone
She thinks of me
And a gift awaits me
From her hands

We laugh we dance we sing
We read
We cuddle
We help each other be better

What more could I ask for
From this person
Who is enmeshed in my world
I couldn’t…

I love her…
My daughter…

I cherish her…

Spells

I remember drowning…
I remember how you would leave me there and how soon the darkness surrounded everything I looked at…
This world became a familiar place to be. You didn’t want to be alone so I stayed with you because you taught me how to feel safe…
The dark is how you see and you gave me your eyes to teach me this place…but all I remember is drowning.
I had lost myself and the world that I knew seems so far…
As you became me and I would become you…
Unrecognizeable…even to myself…
There’s no turning back now…
You secretly traded your life for mine…while I learned to survive in your abyss…
The traces you left were sticky as you consumed my life only to keep me stuck as I would tread my way back…
Back to what I knew…
And then I remembered…that life no longer served me in the way I needed it to…
You only borrowed my existence to make room for me to grow…
You saw how I was getting crowded and lost, not of my own, but of all the grains left behind from unwanted suffering…
As you cleared the way, I stood aside in your own void where there was nothing to hold, nothing to use…
In this place, you learn to see with your eyes closed and the only device is to remember…
When you learn to remember, with time, it becomes easier to let go…
I remembered, how you would return only when you stopped hearing from me to wonder if I was somehow turning into light like the world I thought you took from me…
Only to realize you were called upon because I had asked of you to learn the many worlds to live so that i could create light in them too…

My abyss

Just one sip and I’m down encapusulated, frozen in sleep not to be disturbed until I’m charged with my criminal offenses.
Just one word and I begin to go through long, endless, dark, narrow tunnels…a place below that talks to me with delusioned themes.
Just one look and I begin to construct my constant tugging image of a concentrated attention to wake my senses.
Just one thought and it’s an endless battle to run away or go into the belly of my ego.
Just one touch and I panic and slip into an appetite…a craving for a fix.
Another sip and I shift into paralysis and everything in sight becomes muted and I become lost in the movements.
Another sip and it snows with intensity.
Another hit and I’m gone.

dear g

There’s a pair of scissors in front of me and I think to myself all I want to do is cut the ties. There are ties between us that are afraid to be said. There’s nothing to mend except to discover our own roots that we’ve laid out for ourselves.

I can only see you from a distant place and my wish is to come closer. But like the trees who pretended to stand there, they only invaded my soul. So I have to look at you with different eyes. I learned that everything unspoken cannot be truth yet your spoken words frighten me. Your whispers are not meant for me, but I listen.

I want to tell you that you represent my longing for closeness but I cover it with what has now become our scripted dialogues. I don’t want to live in the bittersweet memories anymore or in the fantasies I created. Because like the others, your sap is thick and sticky I can’t get off your trail.

Take the scissors in front of me and wrap your fingers through the lever. Before the blades close, look at me one last time and for the first time let’s live in that moment.

Love,
Melissa

dear irene

I want you to know there lies a tin man on this earth. I don’t know how many there are but I’ve met quite a few. They’re not the ones like from the Wizard of Oz though. And you won’t notice them at first glance because their mask is stuck tightly enough the seams blend right against their skin. It’s hard to say how long they’ve had this mask but I suspect for quite sometime.

They are clever but not very smart. Behind the closed doors is a dark and wounded child trying to find its way out but doesn’t know how. Too many stairs that go up and down, doors that have never been opened and not knowing if any of them are safe to go into. There’s no color, no vibrance…just a grayscale of concrete walls with cracks running so fast it leaves them far behind to catch up. So they learn to hide in the crevices when they catch themselves slipping, ready to fall.

You want to help them because you know they’ve been running for a long time and you think you can help them catch their breath. You offer water but there’s too much purity. They are inclined to only those that share their world. They play a good game of running, chasing and hiding…but the worse is when they disappear not knowing when they’ll return and who they would be if they do return.

It becomes a difficult task to bear to always wonder…too many inconsistencies and nonsense. And you remember you can’t do it anymore. Tell me…how do you tear yourself away??

Melissa

dear women

I look around and I see you’re scared.

I look around and I see you cry. 

I look around and I see you smile. 

I look around and I see you breaking free. 

I look around and I see you in triumph. 

I look around and I see your courage.

I look around the walls of our confined suffering that we share and so bravely wall paper it in our minds…staring at it, pissed at it, talking to it, fearful of it, grateful for it.

I see your truth as it is my own and hold it in my heart because I understand.

I see your bravery when you’re frozen and numb from the cold winds blowing fiercly trying to knock you down.

I see your strength when I hear your voice.

I look around and I see you.

Thank you.

Love,
Melissa